Travel Like a Stoic Series | Peace Isn't A Group Project

This is Week 2 of our 4-part April series: Travel Like a Stoic. Explore the Stoic approach to the social dynamics of travel.

Day 2 On The SS HotMess —10:00 pm

Dearest Ol Biddie Me,

During dinner tonight, I found myself in the middle of a scene that felt completely surreal. It was as if nobody else noticed this absurdity. The air was charged with raised voices, and strange power dynamics were at play between staff and guests, with boundaries being crossed.

No lie, I witnessed a kitchen manager spoon-feeding guests (not 1 but 2!), and it was NOT out of affection.

It’s as if the usual rules of decorum had been left at the dock, creating this almost lawless atmosphere.

If the universe has ever tried to make a lesson unmistakably clear to us, it's doing it now. And it’s this: There is no escaping the full spectrum of human behavior.

Or maybe it’s poking for something else entirely like, “How’s that peace plan working out”?

TBH, I arrogantly thought that at this point in our lives, we were in full control of the type of environments we place ourselves in.

This isn’t even a Carnival Cruise Line!!! Looks like we received a nice reality brake check.

Hmmm—Now I can't help but wonder about the shenanigans we are finding ourselves in at your age, but we’ll save that for another time.

Anyways, if the first day of this trip hinted at underlying chaos, the second night confirmed it.

Still processing, but I’ll keep you posted.

Love you, Love me —V

Vacations are typically idealized as peaceful retreats from everyday life. But if you’ve ever traveled in your lifetime, you know that is not the reality of it. Those are just our expectations.

Truth? Chaos travels, too.

And sometimes, it checks into the same resort or cruise ship as you. This very special brand of mayhem is especially magnified on all-inclusive vacations, where the same faces you see at the pool can become the ones you dine with at the buffet or encounter on excursions.

Sometimes, these encounters lead to lifelong friendships (as they did on our honeymoon years ago); other times, they inspire articles about the wild characters one meets along the way.

Over the following days of our 7 day trip, a pattern emerged that mirrored the chaos of that dinner.

By the pool, loud judgments were passed about others’ children, and poor jokes filled the air, showing a blatant disregard for others' comfort.

And don't even get me started on the guests!!!

The behavior aboard blurred the lines between staff and guests to such an extent that you were forced to find the comedy in it. Or at least silently mouth to yourself: W. T. F.

Years ago, I’d totally have an easier time with all this. Remember when the Jerry Springer shows went all WWE? Yeah –I was glued to the tele because that kind of absurdity I found to be… entertaining? Or rather stimulating.

However, who I am now is different. And it has been a very long time indeed since I’ve been stuck in an environment like that, so I was chugging hard on my Stoic tea (amongst other drinks), just trying to be.

To silently move through the discomfort of the scenarios that came from that week. And to continue to practice discernment—between stimulation and real connection

But this trip also reinforced a valuable lesson: Peace isn’t a group project.

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Ancient Wisdom

The Stoics didn't concern themselves with trying to change others. Their main focus was on mastering their own reactions.

Marcus Aurelius captured this philosophy succinctly when he said, "Thinking about what so and so is doing, and why, and what someone else is saying, and what another is thinking or planning, and all things of that sort, causes you to wander away from observerance of your own governing principles (Meditations 3.4 ).

In modern lingo: Not my show, not my cast, not my chaos.

Essentially, it's about taking responsibility for your own mental state. Every time you mentally spiral over someone else's behavior, you're outsourcing your focus, clarity, and peace.

This doesn’t mean we excuse rudeness or pretend disrespect is okay. It means we choose what kind of energy we bring into shared spaces—especially when we can’t control who else is there.

Traveling, particularly in communal settings like cruises or resorts, exposes this reality fast.

You’re bumping up against different values, different parenting styles, different versions of “normal.” One group treats staff like royalty, and another barks orders.

One family watches their kids like hawks; another lets them roam like it’s Lord of the Flies.

And if you’re sensitive, self-aware, or even slightly energetically attuned, it can feel overwhelming.

But Stoicism offers a quiet reframe:
You don’t have to become what you’re surrounded by. You don't HAVE to absorb it.

When others are loud, you can remain grounded.
When others are judgmental, you can stay compassionate.
When others are reactive, you can practice restraint.

This isn’t passivity—it’s moral clarity.

Character, for the Stoics, was the only true good.

And behaving well when it’s inconvenient is the real test of our inner discipline.

You don’t need silence to practice peace. You need strength of character. That’s what turns noise into training.

So if you found yourself emotionally exhausted after a trip—not because of what you did, but because of what you absorbed—consider this an essential week of training.

That trip wasn’t just a test for me; it was valuable practice. It showed me how far I’ve come in my emotional mastery and made it clear where I still need to fine-tune my responses.

Here’s the most important takeaway:
You’re not responsible for how others act in this world—but you are responsible for how you show up in it.

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Modern Truth

For many of us, being “the calm one” isn’t who we are.

It’s who we were taught to be.

Decades of research in developmental psychology confirm this:

While boys are often encouraged to speak up, assert themselves, and externalize emotion, girls are quietly conditioned to be agreeable, nurturing, and emotionally contained.

By adulthood, this plays out as emotional labor: the invisible work of keeping the peace, softening tension, reading the room, and swallowing our discomfort to preserve harmony.

For many women, being “the calm one” becomes less about choice and more about emotional survival.

We learn to keep the peace, manage the mood, smooth over tension, and take responsibility for other’s behaviors—while biting our tongue and swallowing the discomfort.

But Modern Stoicism doesn’t support you in sticking to staying invisible. It invites you to change the narrative and asks you to become intentional.

There’s power in knowing you don’t have to engage. There’s freedom in refusing to mirror chaos just because it’s contagious. There is liberation in knowing for the first time in your life that YOU can change this pattern.

And there’s deep wisdom in stepping back—not because you’re fragile but because you’ve refined your energy.

Modern life is full of noisy spaces: group trips, shared homes, Zoom meetings, playdates, and parties. The more you practice regulating your response, the more peace becomes your default, not your performance.

This isn’t about detachment. It’s about discernment and reclaiming your emotional real estate.

I want you to pause and feel this. Really imagine it. Not just in your mind—but in your body, in your breath, in the space between your ribs: When you no longer waste your power trying to fix everyone else’s behavior around you—you reclaim your power to decide who you are in the room.

That’s not just freedom. That’s authority.

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Live Your PhilosoShe™ (Turning Wisdom Into Action)

These exercises are designed to help you shift from reaction to response. Bridging the gap from knowing to doing. Not overnight—but one intentional move at a time, toward clarity, calm, and command.

They’re inspired by the idea that a fulfilled life balances three wins: physical, mental, and spiritual. Each type of practice reflects that:

🔹 Engage → Real-world actions. Test Stoicism in motion.

🔹 Reframe → Mental pivots. Use journaling or thought work to shift perspective.

🔹 Anchor → Emotional grounding. Build presence, self-trust, and inner steadiness.

You don’t have to do them all. Choose what fits. You’re not just experimenting—you’re building a new baseline.

Quick Note: These aren’t clinical tools. I’m not a therapist, and this isn’t CBT. They’re real-life practices I’ve crafted through lived experience. Use them. Tweak them. Make your own.

💙Girl, start living your PhilosoShe™!

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Engage Exercise: The Pause Before the Pattern

In situations where you can’t walk away—shared dinners, resorts, airports—your mouth might stay shut, but your nervous system is doing its own thing. You feel the tension rising even if no one else notices.

THIS WEEK: When you’re stuck in a crowd and something sets you off—a rude comment, loud entitlement, or someone crossing a line—practice this:

1️⃣ Name What’s Rising (Naming creates just enough space to choose.)

“There’s my urge to fix…”
“There’s my need to retreat…”
“There’s the flinch, the judgment, the heat…”

2️⃣ Regulate, Quietly

• Inhale through your nose

• Exhale through your mouth

• Tap your collarbone with two fingers (like a grounding knock)

3️⃣ Reclaim the Moment

Say silently: “Their behavior is theirs. My response is mine.”
Let the tap punctuate your self-command.

💡Physical cues break the loop. They return you to presence—so you can respond, not react. With practice, the pause becomes your power.

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