Grow Through What You Go Through: Stoic Wisdom for Women on Resilience

This February we are embracing self—Stoic Style!

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Hi Friends,

How was your Valentine’s week? Did you do anything rebellious—against your old ways, that is?

I for one had an incredible week, especially after hosting this month’s Porcia’s Porch, my live event where like-minded women come together to discuss the very themes we’ve been exploring these past two weeks: self-love, unlearning what no longer serves us, and redefining boundaries—not as walls but as gates that open only to what aligns with our values.

And in that conversation, something hit me…

Honoring ourselves without guilt isn’t just about protecting our time from others—it can also be merely about protecting ourselves from ourselves.

During this particular get-together, through the voices of other women, I realized so many of us, myself included, wrestle with guilt when it comes to rest, leisure, or anything that isn’t “productive. We’ve internalized a belief that we have to earn self-care—as if pausing for ourselves is indulgent, neglectful, or selfish. And because of that, true rest often feels… uncomfortable.

And because this is something most of us were never taught, we have to build our way into it.

Which is exactly what we’ve been doing over the past few weeks. Inspired by the framework of Stoicism’s three core disciplines, each serving as a “training ground” we’ve practiced:

Week 1: Our relationship with ourselves (Assent – How We Think)
We unlearned. We examined the stories we’ve carried, questioning their truth. We cultivated self-awareness—choosing to see ourselves not through distorted, conditioned beliefs, but through clarity.

Week 2: Our relationships with others (Action – How We Live)
We set boundaries. Not as rigid walls, but as alarm systems—to prevent the looters of our peace and ensure that what enters our lives aligns with our values.

Week 3: Our relationship with the nature of the world (Desire – How We Endure)
We meet resilience. Because self-love is incomplete if we don’t train for what life inevitably brings. Growth isn’t about avoiding hardship—it’s about learning to stand steady in it.

️ Stoic Topic of Week: When Resilience Calls

Focusing on mastering our own minds rather than external events is a core principle of Stoicism, emphasized not just by Marcus Aurelius but by many of the greatest Stoic philosophers, including Epictetus, Seneca, and Zeno.

They taught that true strength and freedom come from within—yet, much of our suffering comes from resisting this truth. When we fight against what is, rather than aligning ourselves with reality, we create unnecessary struggle.

Life’s obstacles are not a matter of if—but when.

They are not fair or unfair. They simply are.

And this is what resilience is about—not avoiding difficulty, but using the strength, wisdom, and habits we’ve built to face it head-on.

Self-love is easy when life is smooth.

But what about when it isn’t?

What happens when we lose a job, a relationship, or a loved one? When life throws us into hardship we never saw coming? When our bodies feel like they’re betraying us—either through illness or simply the nature of aging?

This is when most of us disappear.

Not because we want to. But because we’re in survival mode.

Because we’re facing something for the first time that we aren’t sure how to navigate.

Because life’s gut punch is shocking—a sudden gasp because it took your breath away.

I know this feeling intimately.

In the days leading up to my mother’s passing, when I couldn’t bear to hear another phone ring, read another text, or meet the helpless eyes of those around me in my house—I shut and locked my bedroom door, turned off my phone, and—of all things—painted my toenails.

I don't do this regularly. Maybe 1 or 2 times a year I'll go to a place to have them done (I'm trying to change that) but to do it myself….I can't believe I even found nail polish.

But here’s the thing. It wasn’t about pampering. It wasn’t self-care in the way we often talk about it. I remember I was a zombie that day. I didn’t understand what was happening around me. The world didn't make sense to me at all.

It was the only thing I could control.

And somehow, in that tiny, deliberate act, I found a moment of reprieve. A sliver of stillness in the chaos. I can’t even express to you what I felt during and after, I just know how it felt. Like bricks lifted off my chest.

That moment taught me something and is 100% relevant to this topic today:

Self-love is essential. It isn’t just about affirmations or spa days. It’s also about having a plan for when life is hard.

It’s about knowing what anchors us when the world feels unsteady.

This is what Stoic philosophy taught me: that when hardship comes—as it always does—our Inner Citadel, the foundation we’ve built within ourselves, determines whether we stand or collapse.

So instead of waiting for the when to come, think of your plan.

What small, deliberate act can remind you of your own strength? For me at that moment was knowing I couldn’t stop what was to come or even help my mother in what she was going through –but I could control the strokes of the nail polish brush.

Resilience isn’t just about enduring—it’s about how we endure.

Food for Thought

“How do I love myself? Let me count the ways…”

Self-love isn’t just one thing—it’s many things. And it shifts depending on where we are in life.

Sometimes, self-love is setting boundaries.
Sometimes, self-love is taking action.
Sometimes, self-love is doing nothing but sitting in stillness.
And sometimes, self-love is acceptance.

I recently binged a new limited series on Netflix where a particular scene stopped me in my tracks. A woman, facing a terminal diagnosis, traveled to a retreat in Peru searching for peace through a plant healing ceremony.

During the ceremony, the shaman noticed the woman struggling a little bit and came to her assistance. She asked the woman what was the “intention” she set. Participants set intentions during these rituals to guide their healing journey, serving as a focal point to meet a specific purpose.

The woman responded with:

“Eff you, cancer”, laughing thinking maybe that was’nt perhaps the best focal point. She went on to say “I’m not here for much longer. I want to find a way to accept. Maybe find some peace in it.”

The shaman, without hesitation, looked at her and asked:

“It? What is ‘it’? The cancer? It’s also you. Can you see? To see. Maybe that’s your true intention.”

Together they closed their eyes and the shaman set a new intention:

“Let me see.”

After that things started to change for the woman. She realized that her suffering wasn’t coming from the illness itself—but from her resistance to it. The moment she stopped fighting reality and accepted it, she could finally live.

When life hands us challenges we never asked for, self-love isn’t always about changing our circumstances.

Self-love isn’t about improvement—it’s about presence and endurance. It’s not about changing the path, but how we walk it.

Turning Wisdom Into Action

Philosophy isn’t just something we read—it’s something we live. That’s why every week, I share three types of exercises designed to help you not just understand Stoic wisdom, but apply it in a way that strengthens both mind and body:

✅ Engage – Hands-on action that challenges you in real life.

✅ Reframe – Mental training to shift perspective and see clearly.

✅ Anchor – Mindfulness practices that create steadiness in the chaos of life.

***These aren’t clinical methods—I’m not a doctor, and this isn’t CBT. These are practices I’ve created for myself that may be helpful for you too. If anything, they’re here to inspire you to explore, experiment, and tailor exercises that fit your life and needs.

Try them, tweak them, or use them as a starting point to create your own resilience toolkit. 💙

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